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Frustratingly amusing and PIM

Do you know how frustrating it is to plan a family trip? Extremely. When I was younger, it seems that plans were so much easier. Of course, I didn't really have to take into consideration work, money, time and other factors which make planning a trip so much difficult now. That and going to the grocery store was an adventure when I was younger. Ah youth!

Random thoughts today
1. Even when you're out of work, there's still a million things to do. I don't know what I'd do if I really had "nothing" to do.
2. Ever seen a sexy bowler. I did. This guy knew how to handle his balls. And he had a sexy release, too. It showed off his biceps. Damn!
3. My bowling score ... 59. One strike. Only one.
4. New cellphone ... pain in the butt. Of course, it helps to hear people better when you peel off the plastic film that covers the speakers.
5. New cellphone wallpapers created from pictures of shirtless actors and boring abstract backgrounds. Adobe it and, viola!, designer cell-eye candy.
6. Consider this profound lyrical statement by Ms. Mariah Carey in "It's Like That": "Them chickens in ash and I'm lotion." How true ... how very true! Oh well, who needs to really know the words to a Mariah song. Drag queens only lipsync the words.
7. If only life truly were WYSIWYG ... things would be so much easier.

Nothing ever happens in heaven
It never changes much
We look to our time with desire
to wait elsewhere

Heaven seems like it would be pretty boring place. Take into consideration Dante's Divine Comedy ... who reads Paradiso and enjoys it! Paradise is boring. It's HELL that's interesting. I read the Inferno for fun (OK, I've got problems but you get the point). Maybe that's just my genetic gay disposition for high drama that loves a good emotional trainwreck. God, maybe we do have a gay agenda.

Also, check out http://www.futureme.org and write a letter to your future self ... as well as my new pic "The Tao Bang!" ... basically the Big Bang with a little Asian persuasion!



Weavers with profound sophistication
stir delicious black teas
modeling Nature's kimonos
found deep in the seas

Stir Crazy

Well, AGS is over now and I'm looking forward to almost three weeks of nothing to do. I'm a little anxious that I won't be able to find enough work for the fall semester - sometimes classes just don't make. I'm hopeful, however, that I won't have to go back to PJs. I'd clean gas station bathrooms rather than go back there. I'd clean those bathrooms with a toothbrush too. Needless to say, I'm not looking foward to cutting pizzas again.

So I'm already going stir crazy with all this free time. I'm watching more TV ... that's already mindnumbing. I actually felt relieved that I was watching a Star Trek NG rerun that I hadn't seen more than 10 times previously. In the meantime, my primary mission to discover what breed my Kitty is ... in helping my parents find another cat, I came across many cats ... all of which look much different than my Kitty ... I want to know what breed she is exactly. Her entire face looks different ... with huge almond shaped eyes and a semi-triangular face. I'll probably post a pic soon ... she's the best cat in the world, I'm convinced.

Also, this is for Gennie ... This is Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans ... add Orlando Bloom and you have my Holy Trinity.
Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity

Chris Evans (Cellular, Fantastic Four)



The child knows
the spills
shall be wiped and silenced
and delicious milk
lost in remorse


Five random thoughts for today

1. Everything has a story. Everything is a story. We never stop learning how to read. Read everything.
2. I want Ryan Reynolds or Chris Evans for Christmas. That's my list. Start shopping early.
3. When is "life" supposed to begin ... I'm still waiting.
4. Straight men shouldn't tease. It's cruel. You flirt, you buy.
5. Speed of Sound - meditate on this:

All those signs I knew what they meant
some things you can't invent
Some get made, and some get sent
birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show you how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand
oh, when you see it then you'll understand

PIM long overdue

From the crash
Lights tingling
Time strike the nerves
Heaven happens
Beyond our hopes

Note: Sometimes, we have to wrestle with angels
Hey, I guess I haven't written in awhile. I usually end up posting entries when I'm down and things aren't looking so bright. It's times like these that test my optimism ... that wear me out.

I'm having severe problems at work. I'm not getting along with the new management. The problem is compounded by the fact that everyone I've worked with for years is getting fired gradually and replaced. It's only a matter of time before I'm in that position, too. For the time being, I'm sticking with it because I don't know if I can find a new job so soon. It's summer ... the worse time to be looking for a job especially this late. But I have to do something. I'm so distressed about this whole predicament. I haven't faced unemployment in almost ten years. I guess I got a little too confident. Somewhere, though in the back of my head, I knew the day would come when I'd be replaced. I wish there was an easy out ...

I guess, in the meantime, I just need to look for another job. I have no idea what I can do. I guess this the other true test ... I always told myself I could walk away and that I really didn't need this job. I just need to make the most of it. I hope this gives me the opportunity to break out of the neverending loop that this job has put me in for the past ten years. Maybe this is the start of something better. Change is good ... it can lead to greater things.

At least I'm content in knowing that I've accomplished a great deal over the past ten years. I proved myself a capable, if not, uniquely efficient and caring manager. Everyone I've ever worked with has been impressed with me. In the end, it's my best virtues that are my downfall ... I'm not being phased out because I'm bad, it's because I make too much money and they can hire cheaper (money means more to them than loyalty)... and my management style doesn't match the hard-edged tyrannical management style of the current general manager. It's a new system that demeans employees and puts profits above happiness. I can either adapt to that system ... become something I am not and prove myself yet again ... or I can take the chance to test my own values ... how much do I value my own morals? my ethics? It's not an easy choice ... the world does not often reward idealism. In fact, I'm probably looking forward to a whole lot more financial worry in the future. But at least I went out when it's bad ... I probably wouldn't have the motivation to leave at any other time.

Happy New Years!

Okay, wow, I'm a little late. At least I got to finally eat my black-eyed peas today so maybe I won't be broke all year.

I want to finally say ... "I'm wireless" ... yes, I've finally caught up with the information age. I have a laptop and it has wireless internet connection and my home is wireless. I feel like I'm a techno-guru now ... though all this means is that I can check my e-mail on the go ... I don't even have to get out of bed .... god, we are all going to be slugs by the next century ... we'll eat through tubes and never leave our beds ... god, technology really is the devil.

well, I'll probably write later (I'm sitting at the kitchen table right now). Before I go, here's my new resolutions (like I did my last resolutions).

1. Quit biting my nails ... I'm tired of my fingers looking like I've sticking them down the garbage disposal.
2. Be more decisive ... this is a carry-over from last year. I think I did a pretty good job on this one. Still got a ways to go.
3. Read all the things I've been meaning to read ... finding time to read is tough but it's now my future profession.
4. Do something creative ... anything ... poetry, short stories, comic book plots, whatever ... just find a creative outlet
5. Get a boyfriend ... without the aid of alcohol or date rape drugs ... just kidding

Also... in new year's tradition, all the things I'm thankful for:

1. Health - For someone who survived this long on no health insurance, I'm thankful that I made it this year without losing any limbs.
2. Family - My family are my backbone ... I am lucky to have a family as open-minded and crazy (makes for good stories) as they are. My brother and sister are my best friends.
3. Work - Many people hate their jobs. I mildly tolerate mine ... but I like the people. They are my extended family and, after almost nine years, I could do it blindfolded. And how many jobs would allow me to tell other people when they are being rude. And to push my bosses around. ;)
4. Friends - Though I don't see my friends as often as I'd like. I have many people who care and respect me. Each friend satisfies a part of my life and I've managed to collect friends from all aspects of my past.
5. The Internet - For giving me access to a world of knowledge
6. School - For giving me something to do for a year other than PJs
7. My Kitty - For being the best cat in the entire world ... and for the laughs ... for instance, trying to get her fat cat ass from the table to the countertop and completely falling short of it ... Kitty, you're fat yet fabulous. '


subject line

First, I would like to say that the world has officially gone mad or evil. Word is that the artic icecaps are melting due to global warming. Governments officials are saying this could be good for "business" because it opens up new sea lanes through the Artic Circle. Lord, this world has gone mad. Someone the radio even said, "It's bad for the people of the artic who will undoubtedly have to relocate or be swept into the sea but this could be good for Russian sea traders" ... I wonder if Bush has any family members in Russian sea trade?

Some things that are getting me through this week:

1. Fellow grad students - the program's short and people come and go ... still it's nice to know I'm not the only one who worries about what to do with an English degree.
2. "Identity Crisis" - perhaps the best comic book series to come out in a long time. Just when I thought I'd figured the murder mystery out, DC pulls another shocker out. It just keeps getting better. The JLA mindwiping Batman ... damn, someone's got some stones.
3. Taco Bell - 1/2 Potato and Beef Burrito
4. Pepsi's new spiced cola for the holidays - scary at first, better than expected, much better than that damn Turkey and Gravy flavored soda I'm hearing about all over the news.
5. The free speech Internet - http://www.sorryeverybody.com - The world had better forgive us for electing Bush again, we might invade them otherwise.
6. "Drawn Together" - new animated reality show that make South Park look like Bible Study class. I think it even offended me a few times and I thought was near impossible. God in a glory hole? Elmer Fudd gay? It's definitely a keeper.

PIM (longer)

the winter-starkened beauty in a snow-filled brook
Why a muse so cold inspired
Why wondrous snow
alluring of a romantic thorn in a winter's worth of death

Nov. 4th, 2004


despair is a hot mosquito
unable to feast
fury with bent wings
bloodletting in desperations
its stinger fighting against skin

Well, it's the day after the election of 2004. Needless to say, it was a shocker. I honestly want to kick myself for actually believing that Kerry could win. Around Sept., I believed that he would lose and that was "fine" with me because I knew it was inevitable - the tides had been turned. Somehow, it just got worse instead of better over the weeks. I think it was the debates that did it. After the first debate, I honestly believed that Kerry had a chance. The media suddenly said that "undecided" voters were influenced and polls reflected a Kerry advantage. Then it happened ... I started believing that Kerry COULD win. For the past few weeks, I started psyching myself for the big day. I was completely crushed in 2000; I didn't think it was going to happen again. Then the election actually happened. Everyone was crediting Kerry. Long line for voting. Everyone I knew, even former Bush supporters, were voting Kerry. There was real talk of change. And suddenly everyone around me became aliens. It was like believing you were part of a majority and suddenly realizing that you were part of the minority. I felt suddenly vulnerable ... like it was a big conspiracy that I wasn't in on. I still, to some extent, feel extremely unsafe ... like the current GOP power system will exact revenge on its enemies. I feel like the majority was baiting me and my friends and family. I started doubting myself. Maybe that's what the GOP wanted all along. Besides, if they can't have "one" party ... they can have an extremely inefficient Democratic party that battles itself and proves to be ultimately futile ... then it's the illusion of democracy with only one party calling the shots. Then there's a part of me that sees some bitter victory in this election. I see the "problems" of the Democratic party ... problems that the Democratic Party won't admit even to the chagrin of its own supporters. It's the problem that I faced when voting for even local Democrats (with the exception of Vic Synder and Blanche Lincoln). Democrats are ashamed to believe what they believe. And for the most part, because they won't lead, they have let the Republicans set the agenda for them, label them and manhandle them politically. If Democrats won't play for "keeps," then it's hard to support them ... they do seem weak. So it's important to find that "core" of Democratic Party ... even if it's far left (to counter the far right of the current GOP) or moderation (forcing the GOP to stay to the radical right). Who knows? I once thought that the country will innoculate itself against disease ... it'll look to calibrate itself for some change that we can't predict ... but we'll realize in hindsight. Again, that's a romantic idea. But I'm not going to be depressed over this loss ... it's part of the game. Someone has to lose. It's the way the system is set up. And it could be a blessing in disguise. It'll force the Democratic Party to change its ways. It has to do some soul searching ... let the Republicans take the heat for awhile in power ... their seats are not permenant - they all have to answer to voters eventually, too. Democrats have only to construct themselves again ... work up from the bottom ... exceed expectations ... work within the system and back into trust again. It's hard to say this ... but the Democratic Party is out of touch. It's "values" are liberal to moderate yet Democrats want to portray themselves as "conservatives" ... but voters are smarter than that. If the choice is between a false "conservative" and a true one, I'll probably got for the conservative that's true to his or her ideals ... even if I don't have the same values. I shouldn't be ashamed of being liberal ... I believe in my ideals ... and for some Democrat to try to be any different, well, it's insulting to its own base, and that's want causes people to stay home on election day. "LIBERAL" is not bad ... it's balance to the Right ... and balance and moderation is good, debate is good, the middle is where the country is ... I have only two more thoughts on this issue ... Vic Snyder survives and thrives the way he does because he doesn't apologize for believing the way he does ... if you believe in his ability to balance issues, then you vote for him, otherwise, vote for his opponent ... I don't think he would argue any differently ... trying to be "everything" to everyone is simply silly ... even Republicans don't try to be representatives of everyone ... Also ... eventually, the GOP is going to have a face its own base as well ... because radical Right is just another form of revolutionary movement ... reactionary if you will, and that comes full circle to the Radical Left ... eventually, the GOP will have to decide, too ... change or status quo ... sometimes, change is the status quo

Oh well